Chronic Illness Chronicles

Oof. That’s how I feel about writing this post.There is a lot that comes with mental health when you struggle with chronic illnesses. I’m not even sure where to start and this post will probably be all over the place so bear with me. The mental struggles you face that come with chronic illness, because they do come with being sick, are enough to cause you severe fatigue. Chronic illness patients deal with so much and those who don’t deal with these types of illnesses will never understand just how much it affects every aspect of our life. I’m starting this post in a very roundabout way and although it is not on purpose, it does show how scary vulnerability is. It is hard not to look at my close friends and family and cry when the weight of the illnesses becomes too much. I just want to protect them and not cause them any worry so I say that I am okay, I make jokes about my brain fog, or fainting. I laugh at myself to make them feel more comfortable. And I’m learning how to ask and accept help. This past year I have asked for more help than I ever have. And it’s uncomfortable, but it’s needed. 

When you first get diagnosed you are going to be in shock/denial. You go through the grief process a lot, sometimes it feels like every day I hit every phase, other times I’m stuck in one phase for months. That’s okay. The hardest part for me is the isolation, especially being so young. While all my friends are out at the bars,clubs, traveling, I’m at home because my body can’t handle things the same way theirs can. It’s hard not to feel so alone, even if I know my friends would hangout with me at home, but I also don’t want to take them away from their fun 20s. Isolation also comes into play in the dating world. It is so scary to trust someone, on top of that, trusting someone with your health. And for me I have to be upfront about that because if I faint while I’m with them I need to know I’ll be safe and taken care of. This all makes dating so hard especially when this generation is not the best to find a genuine person in. So I feel extra lonely. 

One of the hardest mental battles I face is not being able to do the things I used to do, not having the same body, and body image. I have always struggled with body image and now that I have minimal control over it makes it really mentally hard. On my good days I can remind myself that my body is doing SO much for me and I need to honor what she is asking for. On my bad days it’s hard to look back and know that I was a lifelong athlete, a college athlete, and even after that I was working out 5-6 days a week. Once I got really sick I could barely walk let alone workout. I was unable to workout for a full year, which in itself can have major setbacks for your mental health because moving your body is really good for your health. Now pair that with already struggling with body image, it’s been tough. I am finally at a place where I am able to exercise again, but if  you’re reading this and you are in a place where you can’t, or if you are only able to go for short walks, just know that that is enough. Your body is doing SO much for you and it is okay to take your time. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never get my “old body” back, and I want to eliminate that word from my vocabulary ,”back”. In life all you can do is push forward and keep going. So no, maybe I wont get my old body back ever, but I can get to a place where I feel like myself again, where I know that my body is strong and can support my joints. I can get to a healthier place. Will I ever be able to do an axel again, or sprint for 60min straight, no maybe not, but I can still have bits and pieces of what I love to do, and adjust them to how I can do them now, and that’s okay. 

Now for the big ones. Depression, anxiety, feeling misunderstood. Depression and anxiety go hand in hand with chronic illnesses. Like I said you go through all the stages of grief and loss and depression comes with that. Now, I have struggled with depression for years, getting sick really only made it worse at first. I mean, if you woke up every day feeling like you have the flu, can’t walk downstairs, can’t stand for longer than 10 min, have chest pains, full body pains, fainting, showers make you sick, all types of food make you sick, throwing up every morning, and so so much more, I think you may feel a little depressed too. On top of how your physical symptoms make you feel, you sit there and think why me, what did I do to deserve this, my life has no point now, etc. On top of that you have the anxiety of am I going to die, is this going to kill me, will I be able to live a normal life, etc. On top of that you feel like such a burden to your friends and family. It is hard. I won’t sugarcoat it, it is hard. But, with good support and lots of therapy you will be okay. You will see that you CAN have a good life, and you will.  

This post was hard for me to write and I left out a lot of details. I even started it and had to stop and come back a week later to finish this post. It is hard to be vulnerable. This journey has not been easy for me and talking about it brings a lot of it back, and a lot of it I still struggle with. I will leave you with this though, if you are in this place just know it will get better, you will get to a better place.If you or someone you know is struggling please help them, please get them help, or just be there for them no matter what. If you or someone you know are struggling with something similar, reach out to me, I am here.