Chronic Illness Chronicles

This past week I had to make a very hard decision. I came to the conclusion that stepping back from grad school is the best option for me right now. This was really hard to come to terms with. Getting sick has come with a lot of challenges beyond my illnesses. As I mentioned briefly in previous posts, you go through all the stages of grief when you get sick. Something that you will go through many times is mourning your “old body” and not being able to do things the same.

To give you a little background:I knew from a young age that I wanted to work with kids, specifically kids with special needs. I have been working in the applied behavior analysis field for about 3 years now. Once I started my ABA job during my undergrad I decided that I wanted to be a BCBA. Fast forward to 2020 when COVID hit, I left my job at the autism center and a few months later I got sick. I took time off of work and at that point was questioning what I wanted to do. I worked in my moms classroom once I was able to get back to work and took an easy year to get back on my feet. After working there for a year I got offered a job as the ASD resource room teacher.

So I took the job and after a month of working there I decided to start grad school. Now if you know me personally you know that I am very all or nothing, which isn’t sustainable for anyone but especially someone who is chronically ill. I have been trying to learn balance and grace with myself. So I applied and got in to BayPath which was so exciting to me! I started my first semester earlier than I expected to but hey must be a reason it happened that way! So I was working full time, doing my lessons, started PT, and grad school…. yeah I took on too much I think I was running off pure adrenaline for a few months.

I was not taking care of myself or prioritizing my health. I was not sleeping, I spent my weekends which was my only time to rest doing homework, but hey I had A’s in both classes so I had to be doing something right…right? In some ways I was, it felt good to be in school again, although my symptoms did not agree. Once I finished finals I finally had time to take care of myself again. Only once I had time to rest, my body went into the worst flare I’ve had in awhile. After a month long flare second semester was starting. Second semester included supervision which has literally no flexibility which is not doable for me.

So I had therapy and talked about it and then got home and had a major breakdown. Im talking scream crying alone on my bedroom floor. My thoughts went something like why is this my life, how am i supposed to live like this, etc. After talking to 3 of my best friends, Ariana, Julia, and Erica I had calmed down and talked out what my decision is. I decided to drop out of my grad program and take some time off to research other programs, continue to heal my body, and rest. This was one of the hardest decisions. I hated that I felt like I wasn’t capable. I felt like I was giving up on myself. I felt like my illness was taking over my life.

After taking time to calm down and think, and talk with my parents I realized that there are still ways I can work with children with special needs without over extending myself. I thought sure I can push myself and finish this program, but at what cost. Is this program worth my life? At the moment I knew I was making the right decision for myself. Im sure there will be times in the near future that I still get upset and mad that I had to leave but I am content with my choice. I know that this will be better for me in the long run and I wont always feel so drained.

Moral of the story.. its okay to do whats best for you even if it was not in your cards originally. Things change, life happens, adjust and keep going.