Chronic Illness Chronicles

Sports have been a huge part of my life for pretty much my entire life. I was figure skating before I could walk, throwing a softball by the time I was 4 and I have always been involved in sports whether it was playing or coaching or both at the same time. Playing sports is what kept my conditions controlled for the majority of my life. Once my life became less active is when my conditions really got worse. Since getting sick, I have had to readjust my way of life and figure out how to stay active in new ways. Being an athlete staying active and exercising was always something I enjoyed and I am still figuring out how I can best move my body to make me feel good and not send me into a flare. 

While I am navigating how to best move my body again there is something else I am also trying to adjust, coaching. I have been coaching for a little over 10 years now. I started giving private pitching lessons for softball when I was 14 years old and have kept going since then. Throughout the years I have coached a few teams and in the past few years I have been coaching a summer team and next year I will be coaching 2 summer teams. 

I love coaching. I love watching my players grow as people and athletes. I love helping the girls achieve their goals and encourage their dreams. I love connecting and building relationships with these girls. As a coach I hope to improve more than just their softball abilities, but their life in general. Watching their self confidence increase, helping them with school, giving advice on friends/relationships, them coming to me with their anxieties, it is all really important to me. I owe a lot of this passion to my mom. I have watched her coach my entire life and she is the best coach around. I get a lot of my passion from her and I can only hope to be half the coach she is one day. 

Aside from my overall passion, when I coach I like to be involved and active in the practice or lesson. It makes sense because I was an athlete, and demonstrating is a huge part of coaching a sport! This has been something that is not so easy for me to do anymore. I still push myself to demonstrate in my private lessons because it’s just me and the pitcher, but when coaching a team I rely on the rest of the coaching staff to do so which is hard for me. There are days where I will and usually I regret it but I feel so happy in the moment it is worth it for me. 

Here’s how coaching has changed for me in the past 2 years:with my lessons I have to sit most of the time, I have also asked for help from some of my older girls to demonstrate. If a last minute lesson pops up it is hard for me to do because I need to conserve energy for my lessons. I also have not been taking as many clients. With the summer teams it is a lot different as well. During the off season it is easier for me to be more physically involved such as hitting grounders or catching, demonstrating, stuff like that. But there are still days during the off season where all I can do is be there. During the summer when it gets hotter it is a lot harder for me to be as active. I like to coach first base but this year especially that was pretty hard. Most of the games I ended up switching off coaching first and doing the book. Towards the end of the season I was pretty much only doing the book and not coaching first. 

How this makes me feel: awful. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t coach. I have a lot of intrusive and anxious thoughts about what the parents of my players may think and of what my players think. Some of them sounds like “why does she even bother coaching if she can’t do anything”, “she’s pretty useless shes just here”, “how can you call yourself a coach if you just sit there”, “what do you even offer to these girls”, “you should just stop trying”, “it’s not fair that they have to see you like this you are going to traumatize them”,and more and some are worse than that but I’ll spare the readers from my intrusive thoughts! 

Here’s the facts: the girls I coach are some of the MOST supportive people in my life as well as their parents and along with the other members of the coaching staff! This includes my lessons and my team. When I start a new lesson I am always very upfront and let them know that I suffer from a few chronic illnesses and explain how it may interfere with the lessons and they are always so understanding. I am also very open about my illnesses with my team and their parents. Most of my girls read my blog (hey girls)! On days where I am visibly ill the girls are always asking if I am okay, if I need anything, grabbing me water or salt or asking their parents for a salty snack for me. Their parents are always asking if I need anything, if I’m okay, and handing me extra water or gatorade. There are times where the girls will get my parents or Hayley before I even say I don’t feel good because they can see I’m pushing it and trying to stay strong for them.These small gestures are HUGE to me and remind me that they care and that my intrusive thoughts are just that, thoughts.

At the end of it all, I know that I will continue to readjust my coaching style to adapt to my new life. I know that I have support. I also know that the thoughts and feelings I experience are valid and they will continue to pop up. But most importantly I know that I am a coach and I am making a difference in these girls’ lives and I will continue coaching even if it has to be different than before.